Practical Suggestions: Part 2 of What to Tell Our Children

"All Jews are brothers, literally," writes Rabbi Shneur Zalman in Tanya. If there were ever any doubts as to the truth of that statement, they have been dismissed with the lives and terrible murders of Rabbi Gavriel and Mrs. Rivkah Holtzberg. The entire Jewish nation came together in hope and, later, in grief because of this young couple, showing that we are indeed one family.

Yes. We have lost our brothers and feel an acute pain, fear, and depression that will likely haunt us for quite some time. It also haunts our children. And for that reason we should take care that we are creating a climate of healing in our households, not one of despair.

I would like to offer my gratitude to Dr. David Pelcowitz and Moshe Borowski, LMSW who have been a tremendous resource in regards to offering practical advice for addressing child trauma issues. Some kernels of their expertise stood out for me, and I share them with you here:

Routine offers a sense of security. From negel vasser to kiras shema al hamitta, do not change any of your child’s daily routines. Similarly, you should not let the household rules slip in respect to good behavior, chutzpah, etc.

Insulate your child from upsetting media reports. Even if your child is aware of what took place, he does not have to be exposed to details. Also, your child will realize if you yourself are becoming obsessed with articles, videos, etc.

Your child must understand that what happened in Mumbai will not happen anywhere else any time soon. Make clear that Tatty and Mommy, the Police, FBI, the Army and the Ribono Shel Olam are there to protect them.

Your child can pick-up on the comments that you think are only between adults and his feelings of security are, largely, based on yours. If you have feelings of despair or anxiety your choice is either to conceal them till after bed time, or pass them on to your children.

Your children need to experience a sense of mastery over the world. Emphasize their tefillos, tzedaka and krias shema al hamitta; this is how they bring aid and protection to themselves and others.

Listen to what your child thinks has happened. Often, a child will draw sweeping conclusions from even a few minor details. It is important to speak to them, remove their misconceptions and answer their questions.
Finally, rabosai, over these next few weeks, it’s important to spend more time at home having fun with your kids. No, meetings and late nights at the office are not more precious than your family. Remember that the yetzer hora has no defense against a parent that spends time playing a game or reading a story with their child.